Unethical coat? Don't hassle me about it, please

Idon't wear a fur coat. Not now anyway - it's spring.

But come next December, I would really like to wear myfive-year-old fur coat during the arctic Chicago winter and not gethassled about it. Not get made to feel as if I am the moralequivalent of Charles Manson. And I'm wondering if that's gonna bepossible.

Because now we have to wear ethical outfits.

Which of course is the logical followup to the '80sobsession with eating only ethical foods. And no doubt will soon befollowed up by some '90s mandates to sleep in ethical beds (i.e. nogoose down quilts) or sit on ethical chairs (i.e. no endangeredwoods), or whatever. I don't want to sound cavalier here, but thequestion, "Where does it end?" does come to mind.

Because this year many of us were emphatically told, ("told"being sort of a euphemism for "harassed") that putting a fur on istantamount to saying, "I support torture and cruelty of animals inthe name of luxury."

And I take a whole lot of issue with that.

Let's do the luxury part first. I don't exactly live inPalm Springs and drag my mink behind me when I walk into arestaurant. It's cold in Chicago, and my fur coat not only keeps mewarm, it's gonna last maybe 15 more years. So one person's "luxury"could be another person's pragmatism. I personally feel it's ever somuch more pragmatic to be warm than cold, not to mention ever so muchmore economical to buy one coat rather than five coats every twodecades. Sure I could wear wool. But some of the more rabid animalrights groups such as the Animal Liberation Front are even opposed tothat, because sheep get nicked during shearing and can either bleedto death or freeze to death after being shorn. So what's a girl todo?

Well, maybe the answer is she should be allowed to do whatshe wants to do. She should not be made to feel that her choice isdecadent simply because a fur coat is not absolutely essential. Thefact is, if we only consumed products that were essential, wouldn'tleather shoes be an indulgence when we could have made do with jute?Wouldn't a weekend drive in the country be somewhat intemperate whenwe could have conserved gasoline and stayed home? And wouldn't afish dinner be a tad epicurean when we could have eaten pasta?

Ah . . . fishies. That brings us to the torture and crueltypart. The one that really utilizes the old blood and guts visuals inthe media. For starters, according to the Fur Farm Animal WelfareCoalition, between 80 and 90 percent of the furs that are sold areranch-raised. Not trapped. Even so, traps are checked every 24hours and are designed as much as possible to contain - not to maim -an animal. This is not just because it makes for better pelts, butbecause it is obviously more socially responsible and humane for theanimal.

Now before anyone gets all self-righteous with me and startspontificating that nothing connected to furs could be considered"socially responsible," I think they'd better take a look at the"socially responsible" choices they are making. For instance, theybetter be wearing no synthetic fibers, because chemicals used inprocessing those pollute the atmosphere. And they better be wearingno cotton, because it depletes the soil and requires tons ofpesticides. And they better own no gold or diamonds since 90 percentof those come from South Africa.

Then these indignant folks should examine all the "humane"choices they are making. For instance, they better own no leather(think of the cows), use no soap (think of the whales) and no silk -because the worms can be killed in the silkmaking process. And theybetter be extremely careful about what they eat. They can't eatmeat; they can't eat chicken; they can't eat fish.

In fact, they can barely even be a vegetarian. Because youwon't believe what happens to a carrot when it gets peeledcommercially. First you take a big vat, cram in hundreds of carrots,drown them in water, and then beat and abrade them over and over andover, until the skin falls off and this bloody orange liquid comesout.

So next winter, if you want to give me a hard time about myold fur coat, I promise to be a real good listener. But only if youare dining on roots and wearing something extremely attractive inhemp.